Rain.

I am so sad. I'm trying so many ways NOT to be sad...started back to church, trying to reconnect with friends, excercising(ok that's sporadic - who are we kidding), staying away from people who just make me upset (also way too sporadic)..and nothing works.
I'm not a drama queen. I don't live for drama. I don't like to be the center of attention.
I pray every day to figure out a way to change things. What can I do to help my family? What more can I do? there has to be something I can do. I know there is a way.

And again today, I get the news (which I already pretty much knew - but hate to be reminded about) that our van will probably be picked up around the 18th. by the 15th we will be 300 bucks in the hole even with my check.

So I am sitting at my desk, fighting the tears that no 40 year old should cry (what a child, how humiliating), and contemplating texting that one friend that will just aggravate me in the end.
It's a temporary soothe. By tonight I will be crying again in the arms of the person who truly loves me.

Sheesh

Why doI spend so much time crying? I hate that.

They just shut my water off. I get paid a week from tomorrow - that's a long time to go without water.

Phone H*LL

I am so tough on cell phones.
I had one many years ago...left it on top of my car, it fell off and I drove over it.
another one...got dunked in a glass of orange juice.
6 months ago...phone fell in the toilet at work. Ew.
Last night...phone got dropped in the washer.

So now I am using the Disney phone until AT&T can pull their heads out and let me upgrade. Seriously, my date is May 25...what's the harm in letting me go now???

Thoughts

I really like this song by Mercy Me.

Bring The Rain

Freak out

Ok, my little freak out is over.
Not that I feel much better, but at least I have a better grip today.

M had a little seizure last night, only about a minute.

E is getting so grown up.

Sigh.

Sad

I can't stop being sad.
I don't sleep more than a few hours at a stretch.
I can't make enough money to support my family.

I'm not really sure what to do. I have so much to catch up on - I really need a 2nd job to help out. But a second job would take me away from my kids even more, esp. on the weekend. What a mean little spiral.

I feel like I am trying, maybe just not trying hard enough.

Brrr Snore Brrrr Snore

Ok, this insomnia thing has got to beat it.
I got up at 1130 last night and couldn't get back to sleep. Then, of course, M got up at 230 and plopped herself in my bed...that only lasted 10 minutes, but at that point I had to shark her into the kitchen to avoid any parmesan cheese incidents. maybe my mom-radar knew she was due for a night of partying, and that's why I couldn't sleep.
Ok, unlikely, but it sounded good for a minute.
So now I am trying to keep myself awake by mainlining cafffeine. I might add some donuts to that to make a cocktail sure to make me feel crappy and sick by 2. Yeah!

Ok, honestly, the part where M was up was not that bad. I actually kind of look forward to those alone times with her. when she hangs out with me, and it's really quiet she tends to talk a little bit more. And I can't help smiling when she starts to giggle...sometimes the smile is deep deep inside, but that counts.

Igor

My daughter was in the school play and she did fantastic!! I am picking out my dress for the Tony Awards already!
The play was Sleeping Beauty And The Beast, and she played Igor, the henchman to the Wicked Fairy. It was really funny.
I am constantly amazed by E. She did such a great job with this "comic relief" part and I have never seen her act so well. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise - she is 13 with all the drama that entails. But it's like when she told me she was going to sing the National Anthem at a game at her school - I thought, " You won't even sing in the shower for fear I will hear you!". And when I heard her sing at the game (which she has done 4 times now), I was brought to tears. So was my husband, but don't tell him i said anything.

Aggravation

And I don't mean the board game.
I can barely afford to pay all my bills right now...it's a creative stretch every month and usually we have to short at least one thing. More later. I need to cry now.

popcorn

Dear Popcorn,
I'm breaking up with you. You are too tempting, and I can never have just a little of you. Our relationship is destructive...you seem unassuming and then you sneak your friends butter and salt into the house.
So you are now banned from my house. Turn in your popper, leave the oven mitt on the counter.
My big fat butt thanks you.

M

I was thinking about my daughter this weekend, my youngest. Specifically, about how she thinks and processes our world. I think her world and ours are very different. I noticed that E gets really excited about surprise trips but M has always been stressed out about them. Some things M gets really agitated about that I don't understand...I think sometimes she will her us say something offhand ("I'm ready to hit the road") and it may end up a totally different message in her head. Kind of like playing telephone or gossip. On the flipside, she can get joy out of so many little things, and I wish more people were like that. By that, of course, I mean I wish I was more like that!
I've heard more than once that M is scary, a loose cannon and that makes some people reluctant to hang out with her on a one-on-one basis. I can't understand that! She is loving, funny and full of life. All you have to do is crawl out of your normal cave and try to look at things the way she does...she is really not scary. Folks are missing out on a really wonderful relationship with a smile-making kid.

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