Rain.

I am so sad. I'm trying so many ways NOT to be sad...started back to church, trying to reconnect with friends, excercising(ok that's sporadic - who are we kidding), staying away from people who just make me upset (also way too sporadic)..and nothing works.
I'm not a drama queen. I don't live for drama. I don't like to be the center of attention.
I pray every day to figure out a way to change things. What can I do to help my family? What more can I do? there has to be something I can do. I know there is a way.

And again today, I get the news (which I already pretty much knew - but hate to be reminded about) that our van will probably be picked up around the 18th. by the 15th we will be 300 bucks in the hole even with my check.

So I am sitting at my desk, fighting the tears that no 40 year old should cry (what a child, how humiliating), and contemplating texting that one friend that will just aggravate me in the end.
It's a temporary soothe. By tonight I will be crying again in the arms of the person who truly loves me.

Sheesh

Why doI spend so much time crying? I hate that.

They just shut my water off. I get paid a week from tomorrow - that's a long time to go without water.

Phone H*LL

I am so tough on cell phones.
I had one many years ago...left it on top of my car, it fell off and I drove over it.
another one...got dunked in a glass of orange juice.
6 months ago...phone fell in the toilet at work. Ew.
Last night...phone got dropped in the washer.

So now I am using the Disney phone until AT&T can pull their heads out and let me upgrade. Seriously, my date is May 25...what's the harm in letting me go now???

Thoughts

I really like this song by Mercy Me.

Bring The Rain

Freak out

Ok, my little freak out is over.
Not that I feel much better, but at least I have a better grip today.

M had a little seizure last night, only about a minute.

E is getting so grown up.

Sigh.

Sad

I can't stop being sad.
I don't sleep more than a few hours at a stretch.
I can't make enough money to support my family.

I'm not really sure what to do. I have so much to catch up on - I really need a 2nd job to help out. But a second job would take me away from my kids even more, esp. on the weekend. What a mean little spiral.

I feel like I am trying, maybe just not trying hard enough.

Brrr Snore Brrrr Snore

Ok, this insomnia thing has got to beat it.
I got up at 1130 last night and couldn't get back to sleep. Then, of course, M got up at 230 and plopped herself in my bed...that only lasted 10 minutes, but at that point I had to shark her into the kitchen to avoid any parmesan cheese incidents. maybe my mom-radar knew she was due for a night of partying, and that's why I couldn't sleep.
Ok, unlikely, but it sounded good for a minute.
So now I am trying to keep myself awake by mainlining cafffeine. I might add some donuts to that to make a cocktail sure to make me feel crappy and sick by 2. Yeah!

Ok, honestly, the part where M was up was not that bad. I actually kind of look forward to those alone times with her. when she hangs out with me, and it's really quiet she tends to talk a little bit more. And I can't help smiling when she starts to giggle...sometimes the smile is deep deep inside, but that counts.